listening to: radiohead- no surprises

its really dark in here, i'm just alone in this place with eyes locked to the comp screen. haz took hamish to the spa, they'll be back later, an hour or two..kiki and the rest of the gang are down stairs at the mamak, rafeh and akshay went to play with the cat, richard is sleeping on the bed, mustafa is lock in his room, and everybody else went somewhere i dont know...i wonder how things are gonna turn up later...hmm i nearly got caught by my mom, lying. i dont like lying but sometimes i have to or else i wont get the chance to have my liberation. i miss her.
my lecturer daniel always made a face whenever i show him my work, and i dont understand that face..something like the "are you sure?" kinda look ya know? the comments i get for my work are always gothic, dark or even political..like what the hell?
i wish i could be at the time of the hippies, abandon all responsibilities to do something for the world. but if i have to relive the hippy days, more people were going to die in battles and there's racism, prejudice and such shit..

step by step
he dances across the floor
they walk in and out
through the wooden door
tick tock tick tock
its running its running
it wont wait for you
its going its going
slap this cheek with your cold troubled hand
shake me wake me
i have to understand
whats going on
who i am
the times running out
the candles burning out
you can scream and you can shout

i have not written anything for days, it upsets me. i thought it was a gift and i dont want to trade it for any social causes, never in a million years...
i feel really sick today, i couldnt stop coughing and i lacked of sleep. i could pass out even when eating fries...unbelievable but true.
come to think of it, i have mountains of work which i have to complete before another mountains of work started to barge their way in to my life. the sad thing is that i'm not inspired in any way that i couldnt design. i thought i designed some okay stuff but i knew that my lecturer would reject them again and again until you'll cry him a river and let him drown in it.
i've been really creepy now, i think. i've been so curious about Jeff Buckley's death that i want him to appear and tell me about it himself...just please dont tell me he killed himself. if he did kill himself, i'm gonna pray to God to bring him back to life so that i could kill him myself..

boom doom

i cant escape the idea of having a presentation tomorrow, a process presentation and i dont have any prop to demonstrate, just great.
this is what you get for late work, you're just unprepared.
i feel lately like i'm very inept or inert, which suck buttocks! there're these clouds that surround me so i cant refocus, like i'm still in the process in between falling asleep and waking up. and i hate the feeling and i feel it everyday.
and i'm deeply upset that i'm starting to smoke again but not constantly. the smart thing is that i dont buy them i asked around hahah..oh slap me!
i cant wait to go home, its been too long. i need to rest. and its good to see me mom again and my brother who just had his 15th birthday yesterday, he's a big boy now. hope he's behaving well.
i forgot to wish hamish happy birthday, whoops....he'll forgive me :)

yellow line

i sat on a dull stairway, wondering whats out there
i cant seem to be aware
staring with red eyes at a landscape
it upsets me, i need to escape

theres black paint on the floor
whats happening? nobody's here anymore?
no honey, nobody walks through this door
i dont know what i'm here for

run running and never stopping
feel the rain, the sun peeling my skin
you cant stop me, not anyone
its just me, the rain and the sun

i walk slow on the desert highway
i had the chance but i throw it all away
the cars that passed me said i lost my mind
as i try to act sober, walking straight on the yellow line.

mama i'm sorry, you didnt raise me this way
i promise you i'll be home someday
papa i feel the strain on your neck
but i have to go now and never look back

as i run running and never stopping
feel the rain, the sun peeling my skin
you cant stop me, not anyone
its just me now, the rain and the sun.

written by: me.

listening to: jeff buckley- grace

it was an okay day. just okay. typical. normal...
i have an oral presentation on wednesday and i have no topic which is pretty much a screwed up point for me. i only have a day to find one. i dont enjoy just simply any topic. if i dont feel it, i prefer not doing it at all. so God, let me be inspired! i beg of you!
i learnt something really cool today, its during the design history subject, first time i didnt yawn in class.. :) she told us about the psychedelic period. and during this time, musicians arise to protest againts the war in vietnam and politics. hippies were born as well as LSD. hehe
its their frustration againts the war and it helps them produce brilliant music and art. like The Who, Bob Dylan, Jimmmy hendrix, the beatles and so on....

the morning after...

listening to: iron and wine- flightless bird, american mouth

this is the morning after, after a night of heavy drinking with a bunch of friends. now i feel like shit and my head is spinning and i'm going to sink on my bed like titanic right after this. i didnt expect to get drunk last night, maybe i did but i didnt expect to puke millions of times and it was sick to see your own puke and it was sick for other people to watch you looking at your own puke. what cheap booze can do eh? during a game of truth and dare (mostly dares towards the end because we ran out of questions to ask) i passed out,it was the weirdest night ever, so far. at least i didnt pass out by myself, kay went KO and they puked as well and it made me feel secure that i wasnt alone in this haha. what happened during the game stays only with the people that were involved. it was the time when you're so deep in hell that you didnt give a shit of what people dare you to do...so yeah..scary haha.

the minds werent functioning at all, my vision was blurry and i thought i was blind. hafiz carried me half way towards his car until i begged him to put me down so i could throw up again. later, ann and kay joined me to clear everything out of their systems which was funny. everything felt so nice when he opened the window and let the cold air of the night (or morning, i dont know) brushed your face haaaaaah..everyone lost track of time and we end the night (or morning) crashing in hafiz's place..

i'm going to bed, cheers.

things that filled my thoughts in the shower...

i'm a mime in the city,
i'm a bad tv and its comedy,
i'm a spilled cup of coffee,
i'm politics and its dirty money,
i'm the wind and its broken kite,
i'm a brand new bulb that cannot light,
i'm a dancer standing still,
i'm a prey waiting for its turn to kill,
i'm the gas chambers and the holocaust,
i'm more invisible than a lonely ghost,
i'm a whealthy man when his broke,
i'm a broken man longing for his coke,
i'm an angel throwing up,
i'm addicted i cannot stop,
i'm a judge that cannot decide,
i'm a shut window and carbon monoxide,
i'm the overpaid chef that cannot cook,
i'm a bookworm falling asleep on his favourite book,
i'm a lunatic driver who cannot see,
i'm the plastic flower on a plastic tree,
i'm a chief police without his badge,
i'm a puppet with no string attached,
i'm a detuned radio with its buzzing sound,
i'm the circus without its frightful clown,
i'm a talk show host who has nothing much to say,
i'm a wedding on a rainy day.




puppet master.

i wanna dig myself a grave right now..

listening to: neil young- unknown legend

it was not as worse as yesterday, so i'm gonna tell you what actually happened yesterday. i felt like digging a hole around somewhere and bury myself deep in. i'm in the process of quitting from smoking, (so i feel like dying) for one reason: i spend way too much for something that kills me haha. and then it pisses me off when i see those disgusting pictures they put on both sides of the box ( trust me it would not help people from quitting) but that picture of the baby is just foul, i mean thats the worst thing out of all the bad photoshoped images there. so, my classmates noticed how tormented my face was in class, they laughed. some were being a bitch, purposely smoking infront of me...

anyway i called me mom, and i missed her terribly. but we're going to spend this weekend with ann, whose gonna crash in our place after the wild night with ben and his friends...i miss those people especially ben and alken. i hope they dont think i'm super stuck up because i stay really quiet, its just the way i am...anyway ben and steven have awesome music taste like radiohead, the killers, arctic monkeys, the strokes, blur and more super awesome stuff ;)

me reflects chicken shit..

listening to: radiohead- lucky

it was so scary when i heard maisha bangin on the door because she looked as if she had just saw a ghost but she told me she encountered a botswana dude hitting a girl. we ran to check if she was okay (or alive still) and we saw the female sobbing and the dude whispering to her. we didnt say anything because we froze and i actually wanted to ask whether or not everything is okay but like always, i behaved like such a chicken shit and passed by like nothing was going on..what the heck! this reminded me of this afternoon where my classmate, thato, was discussing on how switzerland was a neutral country during the ww2. this was how the conversation flowed:

thato : swiss was neutral?
chicken shit: yeah..
thato : dude, thats so not cool..
chicken shit: why do you say that?
thato :how could you call yourself neutral. i mean its like Muhammad beating you up and
i would say ' hey,i'm neutral'.

thato was right, it was so uncool. i know swiss was trying to protect its own people but not lending a hand and simply allowing the sons of bitches gasing the entire population of jews was just selfish...i never understood the Nazis.

the holocaust

its just sick...anyway, lets think of something cheerful. i switched the playlist into The Corrs- silver strand. i love how they use violin and flute in their music, its pleasant to hear. my mind travels to ireland whenever i hear them play, i mean they are..irish. then my mind jump to leprachauns, green, mountains, giants, river dancing, frank mccourt, oxygen..

think of this place when you need to breathe or escape...

poor miley..

listening to: blue foundation- eyes on fire


three things that annoyed me today:

1. my hands got tangled around the curtain in the bus.

2.my lecturer didnt select the photographs that i liked.

3. the salon in school charged rm 40 just to do a little trimming...so i didnt do it duhh..

then i read an article on how miley cyrus got ticked off when Radiohead refused to meet her at the Grammies hahah thats funny :P well that made my day. i imagined if she was me and hell yeah i would be fuckin upset but on the other, if i was a brilliant musician in a genious of a band like radiohead, i woudnt want to meet hannah montana either. hahaha sorrry thats just a slap in the face :)

radiohead

i was really entertained reading this month's issue of cleo because you get all kinds of free stuff like a 20g satchet of nescafe 3 in 1 which is still in the dark space of my bag and also the ultra thin period pad? kiki wanted one...

the butterfly park experience

i was excited actually to visit the butterfly park in kl eventhough it was a school project and i hate school projects with my life. it was actually creepy to think about butterlies fying all over you but as you gave it time, it was actually pretty cool.
we went out early and arrived in kl central by taxi. i love kl central because i love to see tourists with backpacks. i mean these were real tourists who loved to travel, they have places to go and they travel by train, which i love :) there are 2 types of tourists: 1. business class
2.economic class
i dont really admire those business class travelers for 2 reasons:
1. they dont meet different types of travellers in their 1st class cacoon- because only rich tourists can afford this ticket. and in economic class, there are the average travellers and rich ones who prefers to travel in 2nd class because A. they like it, B. they're stingy, C. they feel it is not worth it to spend so much while travelling to the same destination.
2. they're really spoilt.
3.they always have they're laptops with them.
4. mostly on business trips.

i could stay in kl central forever to look at them :). so anyway, we arrived in the butterfly park later where we landed on this different planet where its green all over with strange looking creature flying all over you. have you seen the movie "the secret garden?" it kinda felt like that ya know, its nice. its like a small little secret place with a green garden surrounded by sky scrappers...

a typical sunday

listening to: sheryl crow- if it makes you happy

i woke up today morning with a burning feeling in my throat as if somebody scratched a coin on the wall of it. i felt really tired so then i passed out again at 2 pm with 70% of my upper body on the bed and the rest touching the floor, which was weird. it was so hot these days and i tend to sweat like nobody's business and i get annoyed really quickly and i want to punch the faces of the biggest culprits of global warming. it was an annoying day and there were only kiki and me sitting in the living room. there i dreamt of the rain, i wanted it to fall. i love the smell of it. but it only rained for a few minutes and then the sun started shining again.
it was a loud afternoon because there was this "person" who was banging on the door for several times until kiki and me wanted to look for that person and pull his/her hair. but at night, it was quiet and it was only me. kiki went to bed early ( she goes to bed early these days and i dont know the fuck why), maisha disappeared ( and i dont know the fuck why) and leyla locked herself in her room and bury herself in her assignments (typical her but we love you, leyla). i slide opened the balcony door and sat outside, staring into the dark jungle. i noticed there was somebody standing on the balcony next door because i could smell her cigarette smoke from where i was sitting. i refused to look who it was because she might think i'm a freak but i stole a glance anyway because i was curious. and yes she was a chick smoking her cigarette and i didnt know who she was. so i sat back on the chair and stared back at the jungle and hope i dont unexpectedly see a ghost in there. i hoped the chick was a guy so that we could actually start a conversation like in those movies where romance started so unexpectedly, a romance with a stanger? what the heck..
i noticed several things as i sat outside:
1. there was smoke coming out from the jungle.
2. many cars drived by beneath me.
3. there were no stars because of the blinding lights from the toll and buildings.
4. my cigarette burned fast.
5. the chick next door was gone.
6. there was no ramli burger.
7. only black people walked this road at night .